I rarely tell my family, "I'm proud of you."

For many years now I have been uncomfortable with the phrase, "I'm proud of you." I don't say it to my husband or my children very often, and I feel very uncomfortable when somebody says to me, "you must be so proud," in reference to something they have accomplished.

 I understand what is meant when people use the phrase, but for me I just have to find a different way to express the sentiment involved in that phrase. To me, "I'm proud of you," feels like I'm either claiming a piece of their success or that I'm judging their actions as good and worthy. Some people may feel like I have the right to both of those things considering I am their mother, but I just don't feel settled in my spirit when I use those words.
Let me dive a little deeper into my thoughts around this. When one of my children succeeds at something, for example, performs well at a piano recital, gets accepted at the college of their choice, or ranks highly in a gaming competition, to say I'm proud of you, implies that either I had a significant role in making that happen or that they were doing it for my approval. It erodes the fact that if they did well in those things it was because there was something that was so meaningful to them that they set a goal and dedicated themselves to the hard work required to achieve it. It also has the potential to build a belief that my approval is important and that in order to have my approval they must succeed at everything they do. In truth, I'm more interested in having connected relationships with them than in them performing well enough to puff up my pride.

 So, how do I affirm them without saying, "I'm proud of you"? Well, first I look at the actual accomplishment and what went into achieving it. But not only do I do this for the accomplishments, I do it for the areas where they've fallen short of their goals as well, because I feel like there's always something that can be gained from either type of experience. So instead of, "I'm proud of you," I might say, "I'm so impressed by all the effort you put into that," or "it amazes me how much knowledge you have gained in pursuing this goal." Maybe I'll say something like, "I'm so pleased for you that you were able to reach your goal," which gives them the praise they deserve, but takes none of the glory for myself.

The only times I still say, "I'm proud of you," is when I can see that those are the exact words they need to hear. And then I say them with every bit of love and affection I carry in my heart for them.